My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
