Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
