I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
