The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
