We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
