I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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