I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
