Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
