How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
