so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
