Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
