Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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