You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
