Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize