He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
