Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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