I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
