Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize