You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
