Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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