I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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