i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
