It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
