my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
