I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
