I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
