Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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