apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize