i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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