Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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