She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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