Can Purell be used as lube?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
