Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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