i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
