I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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