btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
