And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
lol hangovers are for mortals.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize