She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He kissed a someone with a penis
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
