we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
