Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
