2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
