He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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