Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
