its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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