Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize