Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I am mentally ready for anal.
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