you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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