she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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