Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
