a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
