I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
