I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
