Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
