Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
