I just threw up on my dentist
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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