If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
50% drunk capacity currently
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
