my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize