You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
