I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
