do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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