my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize