The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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