Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
That's when you crack a 10am beer
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
