I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
